Do you ever talk to yourself? Of course you do, you might just not want to admit to it. I absolutely know that I'm not the only one. And I sort of get a free pass because I'm one of those creative types, you know, "I'm just working out lyrics, or ideas, out loud. Its just part of the process." Well, I'm not ashamed that I talk to myself because sometimes me and I have really great conversations. (Its okay, go ahead and laugh. But just try it out, you might enjoy it.) This song was the last one written for this project, and was only about a week old when we recorded it. But I just felt that this thread of conversation was missing from the project, and was wholeheartedly needed.
I often feel like the external world is exhausting. Some of that comes from the fact that I am by nature an introvert until I'm in my world of fellow creators, and then I am a total extrovert. The outside world is always moving, and always hurrying, and always telling us that we're not enough, that anyone who can't keep up will be left behind. And I think in every way this is so very wrong. Our world pushes us to do things before we're ready; everything from going to school, to reading, to writing, to loving, to growing up, to being perfect, to making decisions about our jobs and lives in front of us before we're 18 years old, and then urging us to never stop moving, even when our lives are falling apart in our hands. And let's not talk about grief or loss. Have you ever grieved? Have you ever lost anything so precious that it stops you dead in your tracks and you're not ever sure that you'll stand up again? Well, in several ways, I have. I remember one especially dark day when I was trying to keep going, keep moving, keep pushing, and I was in front of the dryer folding laundry when the grief hit like a wave that took me to the ground. I don't remember how long I laid on the floor that day. But it was that day that I promised myself, I wouldn't just keep going. I wouldn't just keep pretending. I would listen. Not to anyone else, but to me.
They say that pain is an indicator of a greater problem. And in so many ways that's very true. We, especially in our western world, run from pain. We do all we can to not face it, especially emotional pain. And I have to say it is not easy to face it. Its so much easier to ignore, until it just can't be anymore. This song was written for me, to me, by me. A love song to my heart. My heart is no stranger to receiving pain, nor to causing pain. I will tell you that the day I promised to listen to myself, to my body, to my heart, the weight of my pain was not as heavy. I promised to wait for my heart to heal, not to rush it, not to push it, not to force it. Rather, to encourage and admonish it to be made whole again. The verse from Proverbs now rings so true: "Watch over your heart with all diligence, For from it flow the springs of life." Wait, what? Everything you do flows from your heart? You mean its that important? Without question.
So, this song is for me, to me, by me.